Broarr lol merr

Recently my mum started a chat with me on facebook and asked how my leg was doing. After I explained that it resembles a dismembered body part from a zombie movie she said:

Broarr. lol. Merr. Jukka and I tried desperately to think what new abbreviations or internet slang my mum had picked up but no, we couldn’t find anything that would explain broarr lol merr. Sometimes parents use the wrong phrase like instead of maximising a window they ”call something up”, but this was obviously way beyond semantics. We tried saying it aloud, but that didn’t help either. We read it left-to-right, right-to-left and upside down. We googled it. How could it be that my mother had found something on the internet that I hadn’t? I’m a goatse, tubgirl, 2 girls 1 cup and lemon party veteran. I’ve seen blue waffle. (Mother, if you are reading leave those sites alone. Or show them to Brian. He might approve.)

Reluctantly I typed back.

-What?

-Just some noises I've learnt on facebook.

And that is why I've compiled some reasons the internet is dangerous.

1) There is always at least one person on the internet who is WRONG. Moreover, this person doesn't know or CARE that they are wrong and you thus feel compelled to correct or enlighten their retarded world view, no matter how much you keep telling yourself it's the internet and probably a troll and that you can just rise above it, be mature and turn the computer off. You know you can't. They have formed a dangerous (and WRONG) opinion of their own and it must be quashed.

2a) It maeks yu iliterit imediatly frm da point u get on line but lol u dun care

This phenomenon is both outrageous and worrying. People I know who have degrees r ritin liek dis. It seems that the internet dissolves the part of the brain that secretes caring about spelling hormones, and you're probably next. Perhaps in some social circles it's cool to replace th with d. Think how you'd sound if you used d instead of th in real life speech. Jamaican. And then Jamaicans would want to beat you up because you're so pasty you reflect UV.

2b) There are (native English speaking) people on the internet who think they're good at English and possess unbridled hatred towards people who "don't know there spelling or grammer". They are self-proclaimed "grammer nazys" and make groups on facebook like "learn to spell, your so stupid". Witty irony, you say? No, they're serious. The Alot (www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com) helps in these situations, but it still doesn't comfort me in knowing that there are so many people who don't know or care about the difference between they're, there and their. Sniff :(

3) O hai I herd u liek internet memes so I explained an internet meme in internet meme speak. If you start lolspeaking irl then according to ceiling cat it can lead to epic fail and social exclusion. I personally think it's an epic win.

4) Think of the weirdest, most disgusting thing you can. Got one? There’s a sexual fetish based on it and the internet contains at least 3 message boards or forums about said fetish. Isn’t it great that people interested in peeing and vomiting on each other can find each other? No, seriously. The easier they find each other the less likely they are to find me.

5) Got a headache? You might just be tired, but it’s probably a brain tumour. Lucky for you, the internet undoubtedly knows about at least one person whose head dissolved after a slight pain around the temples and has mastered the ability to turn your curiosity into paranoia. Sneezed lately? H1N1. I’ve even heard something about EBOLA STOMACH AIDS (hyperboleandahalf again). The internet also knows the minute you’ve thought about looking up your symptoms, making it impossible to resist. Lupus, here I come.

You know what? Once you’ve decided on the disease of your choice, there’s always Google image search so you can find high quality, extremely detailed images of whatever gross affliction you’ve self-diagnosed yourself with. Yay!

We're now trying to find a use for broarr lol merr, but this is still in the experimental stages. Suggestions are welcome.